Kids are Gross!

Babies can get away with a lot. They’re these adorable little creatures that have no regard for how disgusting they can be. Whatever nastiness is covering them for the moment, if you’re within a 20 foot radius, you can bet, you’re covered in it too, (even if you don’t realize it, I promise, you’ll discover it later).

They obviously have a free pass. They don’t know any better, (although the smirk on a newborn baby’s face after a major blowout, makes you question whether they “know any better.”)

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This is a list of things that my children do, that get either a laugh from me, or a “MY POOR BABY!!” from me. But, if anyone else were to do this, I don’t know, I guess I would flip out.

1. Tell me they pooped.

If you’re not my kid, I don’t want to know, (Unless of course you have a genius potty training idea and it’s necessary to share-HA!.)

If you’re my child, I need to know, because now I get to clean it up.

2. Pick my nose.

Don’t come near me with your fingers in general. I have a rather large bubble in regards to other people’s hands near my face.

My children, however, are free to explore and dig for gold as much as they’d like, unless they have nails, I’d prefer skipping the bloody nose.

3. Fingers in my mouth.

Why do people let kids do this? You have no idea what happened during their last diaper change. It’s true about boys, they are fascinated by their penis from day one, so there is always some grabbing going on. As a mama, I wipe the little hands down as well as I can with a wipe, but who’s to say I got it all? That being said, I still let him put his fingers in my mouth.

4. Sneeze in my face.

This hasn’t happened to me by anyone other than my kids. It’s not what we would consider socially acceptable.

So, why is it, when our children sneeze on our face, we just wipe it on our sleeve, (or my bare arm, yesterday), and go about our business. I don’t know how many times my kids have done this, but when my mouth is closed, it’s a good day.

5. Sit on my lap with a bare butt.

There are many reasons my children may sit on my lap half naked (or fully naked). Potty training, I just hope they don’t have to go…sometimes they do. After a bath, they’re so sweet, and cuddly after a bath…I always try for a towel barrier, but I don’t succeed every time.

6. Vomit on me.

I don’t mean a bit of spit up. I mean baby has the flu, throw up. And not just a splatter here and there. Drenched. In. Puke.

Why do we try to catch it? Can we finally agree that we can’t “catch” liquid? Maybe it’s just an automatic reaction. It’s a dumb one, though.

7. Pee on me.

The only people that have ever peed on me are my kids, (numerous times). I’m planning on keeping it that way.

When it happens with my son, I’m changing him and of course, he starts to pee. My daughter flips out.

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When it happened with my daughter, it was when we were working on potty training and she didn’t make it to the potty. And she flips out.

I’m no help, either, because for some reason I can’t stop laughing. I don’t even like potty humor, but when I’m being peed on (and the little lady is freaking out), the immature part of me comes out and I’m rendered practically useless.

So, there is your crash course in parenthood for the day. If you’re already a parent, I imagine you’ve experienced all or most. If you’re not a parent, do you think I should issue a warning at the top of this post?

I know one day I won’t have to worry about any of these disgusting (everyday) situations. I just hope I hold up my end as the mom and teach my kids how to properly catch their throw up, (with a toilet).

I know I’ve missed some! What are some things only your kids can get away with?

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30 Comments

  • Reply andthreetogo

    Hilarious! Great list. Especially the bare butt sitting… Had me laughing!

    September 12, 2014 at 6:53 pm
  • Reply LP

    Tarynn…I love you!

    September 12, 2014 at 7:12 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Hahaha! You knew about all of it, but I don’t recall you ever telling us before we had kids…

      September 12, 2014 at 7:14 pm
  • Reply The Vanilla Housewife

    Oh the bare butt. No. Not that one please. I wrap them up in layers of towels. And never make those silly faces with your mouth open when you’re changing a baby boy’s diaper. Trust me. 🙂

    September 12, 2014 at 10:25 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Hahaha!! Some things I had to learn the hard way-but I’ve never changed my son’s diaper with my mouth open. LOL!

      September 12, 2014 at 10:47 pm
  • Reply Terri

    My husband had our daughter on his soldiers walking through a downtown street when his back began to feel wet. You guessed it. But he just laughed.

    September 13, 2014 at 1:57 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      OMG! Yep, not much else you can do!

      September 13, 2014 at 2:04 pm
  • Reply shelahmoss

    It’s so true! What is tolerable, even cute, when it is your own kid can quickly cross over to the gross side when it’s somebody else’s kid.

    September 15, 2014 at 12:43 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      So funny what we can put up with if it’s ours! Haha!

      September 15, 2014 at 1:50 pm
  • Reply ERF Mama

    Hehehe. 😀 This brings back memories.

    September 16, 2014 at 12:56 am
  • Reply debi

    Funny list! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

    September 16, 2014 at 12:38 pm
  • Reply Blog Love: Mama By Fire, Vegan Mama, and Three Boys And A Mom | This Is Mommyhood

    […] By Fire: I’ve been reading this blog since last weekend and it always keeps me entertained. Kids Are Gross!; picking their noses, poop, and sneezing in your face. Gotta love kids, Mama Confession (Guest […]

    September 17, 2014 at 7:01 am
  • Reply melissajane01

    Great list! I have been pooped on, peed on, had boogers wiped on me. I have never been drenched in vomit. Knock on wood.

    October 13, 2014 at 10:44 am
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Thanks! Yeah, so nasty. Hope that never happens to you!

      October 13, 2014 at 11:26 am
  • Reply Alana

    This is such nice consolation right now because my toddlers are sick. Thankfully my daughter is somewhat less gross, but my son he’s been using me as a human Kleenex. Though I feel for him, I’m not particularly enjoying this right now!

    October 13, 2014 at 10:47 am
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Oh no! That is not fun!! I hope your little ones feel better soon! And I hope you get to take a shower at some point!

      October 13, 2014 at 11:28 am
  • Reply Theresa (Capri + 3)

    That’s really funny. Love it! I think every parent of a baby can relate to this post.

    October 13, 2014 at 12:53 pm
  • Reply On the Yellow Couch

    Sneezing on the face is the worst!

    October 13, 2014 at 3:04 pm
  • Reply productivewahm

    Hilarious. Once my husband burped near my face (before we had a kiddo) and I lost it (even though he didn’t do it on purpose). When our son did the same thing a couple of years later, hubby asked, “Why didn’t you get mad about it then?” Haha. It’s just different with a kid…still gross…but different.

    October 13, 2014 at 4:44 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Oh, gross!! It’s so true, it’s just different!!

      October 13, 2014 at 6:58 pm
  • Reply Donella

    Sorry, wasn’t logged in properly. That’s me above! 🙂

    October 13, 2014 at 4:45 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Same pic, so I knew it was you!

      October 13, 2014 at 9:42 pm
  • Reply Tricia the Good Mama

    This is great! I have done all of these things. My son has wiped his nose on my sleeve and loves to feed me his half eaten food. Although, I think once he hits a certain age I won’t be a fan of these things!

    October 13, 2014 at 6:19 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Haha! Me too! They get away with it now, but they won’t forever.

      October 13, 2014 at 6:59 pm
  • Reply maggiemaysgifts

    Such a great and true list! It’s so funny how accepting we are when it’s our kids!

    October 13, 2014 at 7:23 pm
    • Reply mamabyfire

      Yes, they can get away with anything!

      October 13, 2014 at 7:25 pm
  • Reply Twitchetts.com

    So glad you out up a link for this!!! This time of year they do get extra gross. One of the things I can’t stand are the Sticky fingers. When they want to touch you while they eat!!!

    October 2, 2015 at 5:20 am
    • Reply mamabyfire@gmail.com

      Lol! Yes!! Sticky fingers are the worst! They’re so sweet and loving and them they touch your face-yuck!

      October 2, 2015 at 5:32 am

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